Experiences of disappointments, broken dreams, fear, anger, bitterness, trust issues, deep hurts, frustrations, and confusion your heart may have endured.

You may also experience condemnation from family, friends, and religious circles. The list could go on and on.

You may want or didn’t want the divorce, but it happened. The bottom line is that it’s how you deal with the divorce through your choices. You may not have control of the circumstances, but you have power over you.

I am not a big fan of divorce, even though I went through one myself, but certain circumstances cause divorces, like emotional, mental, and physical abuse and infidelity. I favor doing all you can to work and save your marriage. However, unfortunately, a divorce still happens due to an individual or both individuals being blinded to their ways of abusing the other spouse or refusing to change one’s ways.

If you are in an abusive relationship, then seek ways to get yourself out of the unhealthy situation and seek help.

When I went through my divorce, I didn’t handle it correctly at first, but I saw in the Word of God how I was to deal with it by walking in love and forgiveness, not in bitterness and fear.

Here are eight steps I took toward to being healthy after the divorce.

1. Determination

I had to have 100% determination that I was going to walk out the Word of God through this.

No compromising or only doing part of what the Word of God says that feels good to my flesh. I had to decide that I wouldn’t be moved by how I felt but by what the Word says and change my feelings to align with the Word.

I also knew I could determine how long it would take me to heal and restore.

There is a saying, “Time will heal.” I wasn’t going to allow time to rule my healing process. I wasn’t going to let myself five years or ten years down the road be dealing with this.

I was determined to get myself healed and restored quickly. Because of my determination, some were amazed at how quickly I recovered and restored, for it is common for individuals to take years.

Within months of the divorce, I experienced healing and restoration and became a complete person. You, too, can control how long it will take for you to receive your complete healing and recovery.

I experienced some severe panic attacks in the latter part of the marriage, which inspired me to remove myself from the situation.
Those attacks were brought on by walking in Fear. That’s why the Bible instructs us to Fear Not. Isaiah 41:10. Fear opens up many delicate issues in our lives.

I was also determined that I wasn’t going to take any medication for the attacks or see a particular doctor. Instead, I saturated myself in the Word of God, meditating on it as my medication, renewing my mind on it, and resisting Fear.

You do what you need to do, even if that means medication. I was able to do so without it.

2. Writing Out the Vision

What? Write out the vision for the divorce.

Yes, if you don’t have a vision of how you want your divorce to look like, you will have an unhealthy, chaotic separation and life. Where there is no vision, the people perish. Proverbs 29;18

I had the foresight to walk out the steps I was sharing. I had the foresight to become good friends with my children’s father and his wife. To be able to celebrate holidays and celebrations with the Children’s father, so the kids don’t always have to divide their holidays among their parents.

I have seen the vision unfold. The children’s father and I have been able to build a healthy friendship to enjoy the celebrations and activities of our children together.

We have been invited to have Thanksgiving with the children’s father so the family can be together. Their first stepmother and I have a healthy friendship, and we pray together; even after their divorce unfolds, our friendship has continued.

We have gone camping as a family: the kids, my hubby and I, their father and second stepmother, and her kids.

We haven’t done much together lately since the kids are all grown up and on their own, but we can get together when times rises to do so.
We must have a vision in every area of our lives, through positive or negative circumstances.

Having a vision of our adverse circumstances can change the negative into a favorable situation. It says in the Word that God can take what was meant for harm to be a change for good.

Of course, your vision will look different from mine due to your circumstances being different from mine. It doesn’t matter if you have already been divorced for years; you still can have the vision to keep your heart in the right standing and operate as a doer of the Word.

You may not have seen or will be seeing your ex-spouse again, but you can have a vision of your heart walking in love and forgiveness, not bitterness toward the person.

Or you may not be able to have a relationship where you can get together with your ex-spouse for your kids, but you can in your heart.

3. Walking in Love

My heart was full of hatred toward the person I was divorcing, doing the process, and I also disliked myself as a person, which was something I felt about myself most of my life.

The Word of God’s greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart and to love one another. Matthew 22:36-40. I decided to be a doer of the Word; I knew that if I didn’t deal with the hatred in my heart, I would grow into a bitter older woman, and that’s not what I wanted to be.

I had to first come to a place to receive God’s love. I had to go into a more significant revelation of His unconditional love for me as a mother, and the love I have for my children that will never change gave me a greater understanding of the Love of our Father.

I then had to come to a place where I chose to love myself through all my mistakes, defaults, and imperfections. I also saw how much it hurts our heavenly Father when we don’t love ourselves or others.

When I came to the place to be able to love myself, I became confident in who I am in Christ and went to a place where it didn’t matter what others thought of me; it only mattered what God thought of me.

I can now go through life with so much freedom and make choices without worrying about what others think. I love myself and am grateful to God for making me and allowing me to be part of His family and run my race here.

Then, I had to make a choice to deal with the hatred in my heart and love the person I was divorcing. I didn’t want to and didn’t feel like it, but I chose to.

I had to start looking at him through our Heavenly Father’s love for him.
I had to stop thinking of all the wrongs about the person and focus on his strengths.

Even though I didn’t feel like it, I had to confess with my mouth that I loved him and desired great things for him.

Through this process, I eventually came to a place where there was an overflowing of deep love for him and a desire for only greatness for him, and it was so freeing!! I am telling you. I am glad I persevered, even when I didn’t feel like it or want to.

4. Walking in Forgiveness

Walking in forgiveness ties in with walking in love, but I believe that you need to step in love to walk in the fullness of forgiveness.

First, I asked God for his forgiveness for the wrongs I had done by walking in fear, wrongs toward myself, and wrongs toward the person I was divorcing.

I then had to choose to forgive myself for not loving me and degrading who I am.

When we don’t love ourselves and walk in forgiveness toward ourselves, we open the door of unworthiness, shame, guilt, and other similar attributes, which causes us not to reach for the best that God has for us but to settle for what’s not the best.

What a man thinks in his heart is what he will become and what he will attract.

When we think we are unworthy, then we become unworthy, and we will attract others who believe they are unworthy. When we have confident thoughts about ourselves, we will walk confidently and invite others who are optimistic. When we are in a place to be able to love ourselves, then we are in a position to be able to love others.

Of course, I had to walk in forgiveness toward the person I was divorcing.
Yes, I didn’t want to or feel like it, but I chose to do so.

Walking in forgiveness is not a feeling; it’s a choice. It doesn’t matter how you feel. You have to choose if you will be a doer of the Word of God and walk it out.

God never told us to walk out the Word when we feel like it, but make it our will to walk it out. The Thesaurus word for will is a decision.
We decide to walk it out.

Deciding to walk in forgiveness, like how I shared in walking in love, I became free and started looking at him through different eyes.

As long as we walk in unforgiveness toward someone, they have control of our lives, but when we walk in forgiveness, we are free from them. God doesn’t ask us to walk in forgiveness to free them but to release us.

5. Stop Blaming

I had to come to a place to stop blaming the person I was divorcing or making excuses why the marriage didn’t work.

I had to look at myself and take responsibility for my actions and choices.

I chose to marry him when I knew in my spirit not to.

I chose to walk in fear instead of casting down fear and decided not to be honest with my pastors about what was going on in our marriage. When we did go for some counseling,

I chose not to be honest about everything. I tried to hide it as much as possible due to fear of what would happen in the privacy of our home when we got home after the counseling session and hoped it would just get better.

When we choose to stop blaming and look at ourselves, we become free to make the necessary changes in our lives to grow healthier and move forward to better things that God has for us.

6. Speaking Blessings

The Bible instructs us to speak blessings and not curse. Luke 6:27-28 To talk about life and not death, to bless our enemies.

I learned to speak blessings upon the person I was divorcing. When we would get into a situation due to disagreement, misunderstanding, harsh words said, or unjust display, I would start speaking blessings upon him, watching my words not to complain about him.

I wasn’t always perfect with this, but I quickly asked the Lord for forgiveness whenever I complained about him and would start speaking blessings upon him.

I also have been praying for him daily.
I pray blessing, life, and wholeness upon him, for him to feel the love of the Lord, for his eyes to be enlightened to the truth of the Word of God, and to be set free from any bondage in his life.

When I started applying this, I saw things change in our relationship. I have experienced favor, and I, too, want to show support.

7. Praying for Your Children

I spent lots of my time in prayer for my children.

I would pray for their heart to be protected amid the divorce.

I pray for healing and restoration in their lives.

I pray for them to feel the love of the Lord and their parents in the midst of it.

I came against the curse words saying how divorce destroyed children’s lives.

I spoke for their lives not to be effective but protected in the midst of it and that they will make wise choices.

I prayed for their future to be fruitful and successful.

I prayed for our relationship not to be affected negatively but to grow closer and healthier and for our love for each other to become stronger.

I prayed for a blood wall of Jesus between them and the unhealthy relationship in their lives. And for the protection of their heart.

I prayed for their eyes to be open and see the truth regarding the unhealthy relationships in their lives.

I made daily confession of God’s Word and His Promises regardless of what I saw; I stood on His Word until I saw it manifested.

God honored my prayers, and I have seen the manifestation of them all.

Glory to God.

Because I chose to be a doer of the Word, walk in love, and cast down fear, it opens up the door for the blessings of the Lord bestowed upon the prayers I was praying and the daily confessions I made.

 8. Talk Positive Toward Your Children

 

Walking through the steps above helps me to talk positively to my kids about their father.

Yes, it took some time to get to perfection, and when I slipped, I would ask God and them for forgiveness.

They love their father, just like me, with all our imperfections. Their father is dear to their heart, so their father becomes dear to my heart, for whatever is dear to them becomes dear to me.

I was open and honest with the kids about the divorce and explained the best I could with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

I confirm to the kids the love of their father that I have for them and that the divorce is between them and me, and they have done nothing to cause it.

I talk to the kids about their father’s good character and what I admire about him.

We can always find something positive about someone we can speak about if we look for it.

We need to focus more on the goodness of others and not their faults. We don’t deny their mistakes, especially if it’s in an abusive way; we choose to love them and be wise when around them.

 I know everyone’s divorce looks different, but the steps I discussed still apply to every type of separation.

No matter what your divorce looked like or what caused it, you can walk in complete healing and wholeness and love and forgiveness.

I hope this helps you. Please share this with others who you believe will be encouraged by this and help them be healthy.

 You got this with Jesus’s help.